short nights

days are going to be very long this semester- literally, hopefully not figuratively

i'm going to try to be thorough some day; i hate opening up, even on here

like waking from a bad dream

i can't imagine where i'd be right now without my anchors. one in man form, the other in pill form.

i'm going to write this out now and then try to remember to get back and do this again in a couple of months.side effects, pill:
* nauseous-- nauseous at random, unexpected unpleasant surprise type stuff.
* headaches-- occasionally, more towards the beginning, less now
* tired-- it's basically a sedative. taking at night is much smarter than before dinner

stuff i'm not sure about
* mania. yesterday was a great day, had reason to be very happy all day into the night, but at one point felt like i was uncontrollably excited. wasn't strange at the time but thinking about it now, i couldn't have stopped laughing if i wanted to, it was like a rage almost- 2am felt like i could have gone out for a 5K PR after sleeping minimally the night before.. it wasn't me and it's been bugging me all day today; i've had nightmares recently about feeling out of control and that's the first time i actually felt it awake.
* panic/anxiety at night. hasn't happened recently but it's been 3x so far
* altered perspective- still will take getting used to. it's like waking up from a bad dream


good things
* happier
* better concentration- no more white noise- i may have said this before, but white noise --> black space; contemplative
* less stressed. no more going nuts over the smallest worries
* .....just better. feels more like a 3 than a 9

before/after

* panic attack/breakdown: 6-8x/week --> 1x/week
* crying: every day --> 3x since 1st full dose, 1/12/11



just a reference for the future. too tired to keep writing

fuck i wanna be a counselor

thoughstream

my entire perspective has shifted; it had already started for the worse but now i guess it's turned around and getting better.. looking in from the outside i'm a student who came home from school for a month and is about to go back. looking out from the inside, i've been 200 places, around the world and back. i don't feel like myself but i don't feel like a stranger. half the time i feel like i'm stuck in a void but it's not the dark cloud overhang that i saw before. it's a different kind of fascination. i'm making changes so i don't feel like i'm going to jump off a bridge or crash my car any more and i've already gotten somewhere. i was ready to give away all my stuff and call it quits for no good reason at all but thank god for the one staple that held everything in place . ideas just get in but they're cycling through now. i'm changing as a person and i don't know who's holding the steering wheel but i am feeling ok. better. happy. hopefully it will uphold through school; maybe i will meet friends like me- i've come to realize that there is only one who sees me as who i truly am; the same staple that held the pile together, and i love him more than ever; i just hope i can find solace in meeting other people like me; the friends i have now know me, but they don't know me. i'm afraid of letting people know how i view things, maybe because i feel like nobody would give a shit, or maybe because i feel like they wouldn't get it. one thing i've noticed from moving out to a college campus is that people don't like differences. clone mentality reigns. i'm done for now

508

i'm doing something i don't entirely agree with. in fact, i used to completely oppose it. i felt like i needed something, and more importantly, somebody who isn't me, who knows more than i do, felt like i needed it. this. brings about some strange feelings, but there are two ways i am going to look at it:

1. you never know if something works until you try it
2. i will leave these 6 months more knowledgeable and able to talk to other people about it, should they need help

problems that remain:
-is this really the answer? i sat in a room with a woman for 45 minutes and got committed to 6 months of drug therapy
-i've become a number; one of the millions who rely on some pretty little pill to get by; something made by a select group of people; master puppeteers moving nearly lifeless souls ; i don't want it to be habit-forming but i already feel better. i don't want to need it but the doctor told me herself; if you stop, your body is going to crash; brutal withdrawal symptoms

so as you can see it's more of an ethical battle within myself; they want you to enter with the mentality of 'sit back and enjoy the ride,' but i know that even if the ride is beautiful and all its lights are distracting, they just pick it up and move it from city to city all year long, take your money and let you in for a good time.

balance

you're either gonna boost the economy or destroy the earth; which is more important?