going, going

i hate being on an antidepressant. what's the point? you can't live happily on your own so you rely on something artificial to put you in that good place. without it i'm miserable. why. i want to know what went wrong and where and when.. how. some days i feel perfect; high almost- other days frighteningly existential- other days irritable.. and other days almost as anxious as before. it helps but it's not a miracle pill. i've been trying to do other things, and incorporate other ideas into the day-to-day but the more new things i try the less i feel like myself. which leads me to question my last post; do i really know who i am? i seem to figure it out on the weekends when i'm home but when faced with stress during the week it just falls apart.. i missed a dose yesterday and i feel like i could just walk away from everything right now; stress management has deteriorated. so irritable; can't sleep, don't want to do anything. all my shit's a mess and all i want to do is lay down. i'm going to write a book. i feel like it could be decent- it's something easy to say but guaranteed i won't finish because i'll have no idea where to start, or i'll start writing and i'll hate it. i'd like to be good at something; i'd like to be able to produce something beautiful. words are my best shot i think (you may think differently from these posts, and i don't blame you) -- i really don't like writing in a stylistically sound manner on here... people would find it lame, so it'll get saved for the book. i've had the urge to throw something all day. i want to throw something or break something but there is a childhood memory/value i have saved that links breaking things to wastefulness and being a brat; so i refuse to break things. but that's what i want to do. stomping on 20 light bulbs is what i'm thinking. i don't understand why i feel this way. so many 'i's in this post, but that's what happens during a vent. these are things i mention but don't like to bring up day-to-day because they aren't great conversation starters and i hope that if i ignore them, they'll go away. they do sometimes, but they always come back. i still ask: why. why is this defining me? nobody fucking wants this and it's not fucking normal. i'm losing it

“People love chopping wood. In this activity one immediately sees results.” - Albert Einstein

;

i think i found that happy medium; that constant, neutral happiness that you can gather at will after a bad day (or week!). it's a combination between a discovery of self and a solidified sense of inner peace;

unanswerables

what is the point of having music and a television on full blast and simultaneously carrying out a conversation in a yelling decibel with somebody six feet away from you while somebody is trying to study in the same room? how does this happen every day?

i refuse to be a part of the stigma; i really hate it

In His own words

Become passers-by

the answer

i can't sleep. i had a realization though.

i will be a runner for my whole life. i've recently been on a break, lasing about six months to date. it has been about 10 months since i've run every day and trained for a distance race (nbhalf) but i am back; i want to be back. running is the ultimate cure for health i believe- it helps with your immune system, it helps your bones, it helps you become strong, it helps you become fit, it keeps your heart healthy, it keeps your skin healthy, it keeps your lungs in decent shape, it allows you to generally be stronger, it teaches willpower and goals and it brings the feeling of achievement when you improve and get faster. it's liberating for the mind, keeps your physical weight down, including cholesterol and heart health. it makes you happy. it's been proven that it helps your mental health and it is good therapy for ADD/ADHD as well as psychiatric issues and stress. it allows you to see different places and observe different people and things; it breaks up the day and it allows you to wonder at the world we live in but seldom get to explore or slow down to appreciate. i truly think that running is the answer to so many of the negative aspects of life-- and it greatly increases your chances of living a long healthy life. when i ran i felt like i was on top of the world; that i could do anything.- it's in my heart.. some of my favorite memories and some of the most fun i've ever had was on runs, with friends or solo. some of the realizations of self and of life and living on earth occurred on runs. opinions formed, thoughts take shape. so why don't we run? we think it will take up parts of the day that could be used for something more important. but really, what are we doing instead that is more important than this?

@--->

sitting on the floor of a warm rain forest
picking out my flowers with the touch of an older florist

+

-drink water
-eat fruits and vegetables
-limit unnecessary distractions
-exercise
-laugh
-breathe
-observe
and wring your brain out once a day

it's working for me