feeling really good for a change :)

i thought it would go away

1221

i feel like the mist; occupying a certain space, but nowhere at once


and it's alright

rolling silently in space

the wheel that turns, moves.

life

i feel like the stresses of school strip me of personality and original thought and insight. i thought school was supposed to foster that.

but anyway, when i'm not feeling that heavy burden, i feel the appreciation and real love for the world and its beauty. this is the self i remember, before college :p

how opportune

Inner peace is revealed when the inner war ends

lost

things that help can only help so much. helping doesn't fix. i want to find balance. i feel like i do for moments at a time and then it's gone. in those moments i'm thinking of the present but not nothing else, and that's what the whole search is about. learning to find complete balance and happiness in the moment, every moment of the day. pushing the negatives out and letting positives in was the previous attempt but that brings nothing but fear and worry when perspective is regained. it's a workaround, not a solution; it's like putting all the weight on one side of the see-saw- it sends you straight up, as high as you can possibly be. pretty soon the weight slowly falls off the other side, until it's gone and you find yourself on the ground again- it hits just like the ground from up high. hard. i want to find happiness for every moment of the day. i want to be parallel to the ground, but above it. i want balance. i think i really might be afraid of it. what happens after? what happens after everything is ok? i used to be able to find happiness in the search. i used to be happy living in manipulation, watching people die, watching friends get sick. those events didn't make me happy- they made me miserable, but i could let go of it and find happiness somehow. now life is so much easier; everybody is healthy, i'm in love, things are going well; the summer was the best of my life but now i can't find the balance i once could. i can't hold onto what makes me happy. i know i've lost connection with a lot of people. i know school is hard. i'd just like to be good at something. i'd like some time to myself maybe once a day. like really to myself. no phone, no computer, no people. i'd really like to delete my facebook but i feel that might be unreasonable. i'd like to totally disconnect but that isn't reasonable either; i'll figure it out one day

ABC

awareness, balance, control

measuring the immeasurable <3

pieces

while trying to think clearly today i found that i couldn't; i'm no vegetable, i think all the time but everything comes and goes quickly, sometimes before i can even understand what's happening; this realization was paired with the newfound ability to understand aesop rock's music. i've always loved it, but until today never quite connected on a level beyond lyrical appreciation. i'd like to write more stuff down but it's often quickly lost- even dreams come and go without much interpretation beyond what might be subliminal, but who knows, right?

these past few days (the days where i have had a substantial amount of free time), i have rediscovered how nice it is to look at the world with the perspective of a visitor.

and also: how nice it is to think less; more dark open space and less fast white noise. this might come off sounding like it contradicts the first paragraph but upon closer examination it doesn't.



i'm out of things to say

limitations

expression, routine, and goals

steps

i'm devoting my life to making others feel better because i know the freedom in having peace of mind from feeling better paired with knowing what it looks like to see people get worse; the irony is in getting there--

waiting

this is about the time when i'd be packing my bags in anticipation of catching a bus to go see my other half. even though i will be here just a few days more, it doesn't stop me from missing him...

always

atcq

thank you

find the dotted line

independence / dependence: where's the line? still learning to find middleground

burdens

the last thing i want to do is bring anybody else down with me

labels

In the past week, two separate people in my life who spend a generous of time with me have independently come to the same conclusion about me, and have told me that what I do is I "figure things out." I wasn't going to post this the first time I heard it because I didn't understand it, and though I still may not, I'm just intrigued by either the remarkable coincidence or the potential insight as to what other people see in me.

I certainly don't figure everything out, seeing as I am no academic genius and actually struggling a lot with classes and grades. They might be implying that I figure out other people or ideas. I'd like to think that I figure people out pretty easily, but having no basis for comparison outside my own head this might not be right. I don't consider myself the best communicator, and don't often express what I'm thinking about unless I feel that it's important or relevant enough to whoever it is I am speaking to, as not to bore them or burden them with pointless shit.

One of the people who came to the conclusion of 'figuring out' has a nickname for me, and that is "The Funnel." This friend talks extensively about ideas and people and the world, and throughout our friendship I've gathered that information and consolidated it into a couple sentences to summarize his point, earning my title of The Funnel. But this doesn't explain how one of my supervisors at work has come to the same conclusion; I'm not too good at my job, though I have learned a lot, and in IT I am just as good as any other student employee at "figuring out" a tech issue that I've never been confronted with.

It must come from somewhere else, but I don't know where

new

i'm afraid of how good things are

you can't imagine how much fun we're having

You're supposed to set a new one after you achieve a goal
Accomplishments are just excuses to talk and spit
When you music stops, who will have a spot to sit?


waiting for an east coast tour...

.

well, i turned into a psycho this week.

lesson learned

halfway

everything i ever talk about, i'm not there yet; don't know if i'll ever be

-1 -2 -3

sick of not knowing what emotions come from pills and what come from myself

321

1 day = 24 hours. it's easy- we seep 4-8 of those every night, and we're up living life the rest of the time so basically 1 day = 17 hours. That's a whole lot of time. why is it then that i can't help but stereotype (just roll with it) certain hours to certain parts of the day. for example, 7am is the morning. 8am is the morning... 9am is the morning.. by lunch time it's lunch time, and anything after 3pm, the day is done. where'd the day go? i like having all classes in the morning but instead of making my days seem longer, they seem to be much shorter. it's probably good they end so early because after class and before eating dinner it's straight homework and after dinner --> sleep is usually straight homework as well.. so i guess that's where the day goes--this basically just went from a post about hours and days to a post about homework- yeah. this isn't a complaint just a realization

-

i've decided that i like the winter, but dislike the concept of the holiday season

-->

i'd like to see what other people see. is what we assume to be understood/a majority/normal accurate, or am i just left out of this loop

canadian geese flying over a quiet kenmore at 7:15 today.. something i want to remember

windows closed

i impulsively just ordered noise-cancelling headphones online

i need quiet

10/10/10

two teardrops fallen over pointing towards each other and a circle

but it's not even about that

it's everything.

i am so happy and so lucky

example of last post

everything i post something here, i go back, look over it, and don't like what i read

wish that i, had something to say

i have a lot to say about words, but not a lot of words to actually say

allow me to bulletpoint. words are:

• my favorite art form

to the point where i don't even consider it art- to me, art suggests something extraneous- something nonessential to basic survival, and something that needs a label so you know what it is you're about to deal with. this painting. this painting is art. this dance. this dance is art. this sculpture. this sculpture is art. words are past art; words are a legible reflection of thought and they shouldn't need a label; they're self-explanatory. they tell what needs to be told- and when it's concise it's the best, or so i think. maybe this explains why i love words but i can't bring myself to get through a book. it's not about the craft in which things are put together, or the style or any of the english class shit-it's about how hard it hits home. how meaningful can you make it? how natural can you make it sound? i really think this is how i got into hip hop before i got into anything else, and i haven't really left.

but now you wonder, if i like this shit so much why don't i do it?

let's bulletpoint again: when it comes to words, i am:

• a perfectionist

if i had the gift, or the patience, or the confidence, i'd do it. i want to write, and i am proud of some things i've written, but i'm only going to do it if i know i can. i want to write, but i feel that nothing i produce will ever compare to what i have already seen or heard. that's why you see me quote more than i produce.- i'll dissect someone else's words all day before i venture to go out on my own

xox

top of the line; perfect design-- never has a minute but always has time

speaks his mind and brings life to the grind- still can't believe it/but so happy he's mine

starbucks theory

when boston university put a starbucks in the GSU, they signed a deal with the devil.

my theory behind the grandiose success of starbucks as a whole (every starbucks; not just the one in the GSU) is this:

• Starbucks (S) has an (arguably) better marketing ploy than dunkin donuts, and therefore initially attracts more customers than DD (the issue of cost is excluded from this attraction)
• Because S brews a much more potent cup than DD, the initial caffeine rush in a coffee virgin is much greater
• Because this rush now cannot be attained from the same sized DD cup, those who got it initially from starbucks, and those who drink S coffee frequently enough, develop their caffeine dependency based on the standards of a S cup.
• Because there is no chain (that I know of) that brews a more potent cup of coffee, Starbucks wins.

When BU signed the deal with Starbucks to put a Starbucks branch in the student union building at the center of campus, where the highest percent of the student body gets food on-campus, and include the Starbucks as a place in which students can use their dining plan (dining points)- BU essentially sold their students and put them at the mercy of Starbucks.

Counter-point (must be addressed of course)- students don't NEED to visit starbucks, and it is their responsibility to ration coffee intake in order to manage a growing dependency.

aaaaaaaaaaaaamen.

revolutions

i take comfort in the fact that when i look up at the clouds, they're moving.

i really don't want to sound like a pessimist/bitchy complainer but this is really what's been up

i. can't. relax.

$#!%

i will forever be sitting this desk doing work

paradox

if it looks like there's been a lack of substance here, it's because there has been. school is basically all-consuming at this point. no more afternoons to spend the day riding around or sit on the roof and just exist. instead i put one book away and take another out. plan this plan that, allocate every minute of the day to something "worthwhile" - but what really is worthwhile? most people in this part of western civilization will argue that school is the most important. i'm all for it but i also want to side with eastern ideals-- think buddhism and minimalism. i'm not about to present myself as a convert but it would be nice to allocate some time of the day to just exist.

but it's still allocation of time..

• noise isn't the new quiet

• i still miss running. or walking without having to think about it

thoughts

i've decided that i am going to get melvin a gift certificate to shaws. and i've also decided that i want to learn spanish.

genes/experience

i think i get my inability to relax from my father; just a thought

new

so much to do, all the time, every day.

but it's ok.

i like it

-

no matter how many bad memories got tied to this season, i'll always be excited to start feeling the fall each year

i ran until i couldn't run anymore

routines

hard to break em, hard to make em

.

in a weird place

let your mind loose

facebook is cool and everything; great networking tool, get to look at pictures and shit that your friends post blah blah blah but it becomes a problem when it starts to put you down. without it, i don't give a shit about how anybody else is living their life- without it i'm perfectly content. though i know i'm better than this, sometimes after looking at what everybody else is doing with their lives, it makes me look at myself as though i'm not as cool (let's stick with 'cool') as these other people. wrong wrong wrong and i know this- honestly, they could be 100x cooler in actuality, but without facebook, this fact doesn't bother me at all. i'm thinking of giving it up, or at least just cutting back; check once a day instead of whenever i've got down time or whenever procrastination or boredom hits, or especially when i'm at work, sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time. it's such a good time filler and it's so convenient, but it's a black hole of mindless entertainment; nothing better to accent my point than this article i read from the daily minder last winter..

http://www.thedailymind.com/stress/technology-the-reason-you-are-stressed-depressed-and-bored/

and no better song to accent my point than What They Do by The Roots

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIMP8W1e_yA

time

there's so much i could say, but instead of saying it i'm going to say this:

to think of a school year as one massive span of time is just stupid. break it up and there are months; break it more and there are weeks; keep breaking it up and there are days, and keep going and there is nothing but breakfast, lunch, and dinner on repeat. time stops for nobody- whether we want to or we don't- and we live through time- and if anybody is as lucky as me, they get to live through it with someone they love, whether it's side by side or a few miles down the street

last night

a lot of people, including myself, get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget everything around them actually exists sometimes. never been inside anybody else's head but i know that if something's up, my mind races. for example, it's so easy to just drive to the store and completely forget anything you may have seen from being so fully consumed by thought. if you're not careful, you can live your entire life like this. last week, taking the train into at 7am it was raining; looking out the window i realized that i'm on earth. i am sitting on the surface of planet earth, watching the weather do its thing, as it always has done and always will do, no matter what we do to try and prevent it or protect ourselves from it. this wasn't the first time i've had this realization but it was definitely the first time in awhile. this is where the fascination of weather started. watching the rain as a process as old as the planet instead of as a reason to pack an umbrella- the original happiness.

got me thinking today; why can't i just get what's in my head out? do i not know how, or am i afraid to?

it's not black and white it's black and blue

...

live life slowly

duality

no longer worried about counting down the days; after a rather mundane 2 i had a nonstop 3, settling back down temporarily, then moving things and eventually moving myself. i've come to terms with the changes coming, i just hope that by preserving the one significant relationship in my life, i don't find myself shutting out other relationships and neglecting other friends who also hold significant roles in my life. can't do anything but roll with it at this point; there is nothing but the eternal now

revelation

after a nice conversation with colleen i figured out how to phrase it best: some people go away to school with the idea of starting their lives over, replacing old friends and relationships with new; i go to school in boston, but my life is at home

overcast!

I'm scheduled to work in Boston from 5-7 tonight as well as Saturday from 8-4 and Sunday from 9-6.. nope NOPE somebody messed up there- saw the schedule totally by chance this morning too; would have had no reason to look at it otherwise, and a lot of people would have gotten pretty pissed off had I not caught that. Oh well, emails sent phonecalls made and it's taken care of. Rain makes gardening pretty slow this week; Is it safe to ride in this? The wind makes it suck a bit and it's going to be windy all day. I hate not knowing; but I also hate knowing. It makes sense to me

shit writing

that last post was sloppy, and i really dislike sloppy writing so i feel bad producing it. it's possible for me to corral thoughts into coherent writing; it's gotten me pretty damn good grades in writing classes over the years as well as the position of editor for the high school paper but, as i mentioned in the previous post, this week is the antithesis of writing/revising/thinking clearly and with good quality; with so many extra people in the house i'd prefer not to (a): disappear for an hour and return to a bombardment of questions and (b): sit at the kitchen table with a notebook, diffusing the bombardment of questions as they are fired, friendly fire, at me

you might have noticed my attempt to demonstrate more concise writing with this post

six years down, six to go

I'm not 20 yet. but this is a generalization. the statement "I'm feeling like a kid again" is much more than a general, one size fits all kind of quote. this summer i honestly feel like i did when i was 13, before things started going wrong. i haven't had a bad life at all, but right around 13 my mindset changed, and i can honestly say that i was on the down for about 6 years. never would have been able to say it then, never would have been able to recognize it- but there's no way to explain how good i feel now other than to relate it to being a kid. continuing on the honesty track i do think that this comparison was made one day when my mind was too far gone but weeks later i can think about it with a sober mind and still relate; it's going to be a lot harder to leave for school this year than it was last year. this is by no means a one-sided issue, but i really would rather not list pros and cons for the sake of my sanity and any poor soul who's torturing themselves by reading this page. it's a strange place i'm in, it's a mix between damned if i do and damned if i don't, and a win-win. - i may go into detail in the future, i may not. this week isn't exactly conducive to being alone and thinking like the rest of the summer has been. but now that i made that comparison it's only healthy to explain

damned if i do, damned if i don't:

• i have a wonderful boyfriend at home who i am so happy with
• i am moving to boston, and he is not
  
• it will be almost impossible to see him for the first few months of school
• i have wonderful friends at home who will be living at home
• i'm standing on the shore watching a wave of stress close in
• d.town is a beautiful place, i feel like a kid here- but i am leaving
• my school doesn't attract the nicest or most welcoming people (508 reigns supreme in this matter; there's a severe lack of real at BU)
  

win-win:

• excellent academic program at school
• great friends in the city
• great job in the city
• exercise adulthood, find self in solitude
• see home as a reward
• step out of comfort zone, learn more about life / the world

you're free to make up your own mind on how i stand here

so that's what i've got. more later

so hold the bottle and play spin the globe

Slug is my favorite artist of all time. recently found Felt, his collaboration with Murs- (Felt 1, Felt 2, Felt 3, Felt 4 is in progress)-very good music.

Finished my room; almost finished packing. Jeremy left for school, Kevin leaves in the morning... just sitting around now, sort of counting the days, but trying not to. i'd like to see Nick more, but give/take, and such is life. House guests from now until the 30th when I leave, it's definitely good to see Nancy and Paul- i prefer them in the Northeast.

Being is the way to live. I'm calmer- just hope that I can maintain once in Boston. The flakes in this snowglobe are finally settling and the last thing i want is for someone to pick it up and shake.

Felt has got me thinking, I want to be clever like them.. maybe you'll see some words coming forth soon.. sitting listening to Cool102 with my family isn't the best catalyst for it right now but i can see words coming on in the future

I hate writing using lots of "I"s, but i find i've been doing it a lot (I, I, I) .... a wise english teacher (honestly can't remember who) once taught that it was self-centered to use lots of I's, and therefore depletes the writing of substance. I agree with it but here I am unable to stop using those I's.. that's been bothering me since I've begun writing this... seriously count the I's in this paragraph alone it's disgusting; justification: it's a journal, so please bear with.

dye

i kind of want to dye my hair again but i know it won't be nearly as cool as when i did it the first time in december of 2006- if it looks shitty i can just dye over so that my hair is brown again.. we'll see.

still

for the first half of the summer, i slept on the 2-seat couch in my room. it was great until i realized that i missed being able to stretch out, so i switched back to my bed. the question remains though, as to why i still can't sleep without waking up stressed out. i had reasons for it once, but those are gone and now it's just frustrating. the quick fix for this is to rearrange furniture but that takes a good amount of manpower, planning, and time that i don't have; relatives are coming to stay with us on friday and i'll be giving up my room for a few days. damn

rain

when i first decided that i was in love with running, it was always raining a lot. it seemed like it rained every day that year but rain or shine, we were all outside running in it. therefore, as you can guess, running in the rain is still one of my favorites. it's been dry this summer, very very dry, and we have only seen significant rain 1-2x / month, and today is one of those days :)

i'll be running to work now, have a gray day

windows open

77 degrees and 39% humidity

i couldn't ask for a more comfortable day. leaving to go running now, i've been trying to get back on that train since i've somewhat fallen off this summer (something i'm not even ashamed of, stress-fractured foot followed by 80-90% humidity and 80-90 degree temperatures aren't exactly ideal for enjoyable running). new day though; room is looking much better- i've been getting rid of and consolidating much of what i own, and i like how things are looking. the ultimate goal is to be able to vacuum. this sounds disgusting but there are four more cardboard boxes full of junk that i want to go through and get rid of before the floor is entirely clear (besides furniture) and ready to vacuum. day by day by day. have my little list of things to do today, no work on that list- today's my day off :). usually bike to work, 10mi round trip, so today should probably be a rest day on the bicycle but unless something huge comes up, i probably won't be able to stay off the saddle. i usually wouldn't start my run around 11am but i couldn't ask for better weather right now

starting over

I never saw myself as someone who would write a blog, regularly, but I would prefer to consider it a type of personal journal, a release, and if anybody would like to take a look, then you are welcome to. If not, then carry on with life. I'm going to give this a shot.

FFWD from my last post: I have been having one of the most enjoyable summers of my life. It's up there with those summers as a kid where the day is spent sunup to sundown playing outside.

I am happy.

Stress has been under control; historically it's been a problem but I've been trying to adjust so that I won't need to adjust anymore. My real motivation to start this back up is because I've gotten into reading Zen Habits (www.zenhabits.net), and I've been inspired to start eating better, exercising better, and generally living better, peacefully and happily. In a little less than three weeks I will be moving back to school in Boston, where I know my peace of mind will be challenged; it's going to be a stressful year, with four semesters of prerequisites crammed into two semesters and a summer session. Basically, the GPA needs to climb one full point (2.5-->3.5) and that means nothing but A's and a few B's in order for me to become accepted into the physical therapy program; it's going to be rough but I know it can be done. I am very fortunate to have a great group of bright and motivating people that I will be surrounded by at school, and a loving support system at home. and I repeat; i am very fortunate.

But enough about school, I'm hungry and dinner is ready; cheese pizza.

(this may sound like such a contradiction from the beginning of my post where i said i would be trying to eat healthier.. please understand that i am a sucker for good food; and by good i mean delicious. it's a lot easier for me to go running and biking 2x/daily than to cut pizza and chocolate out of my diet)

Happy Trails