Therapy.

~

so much i wanted to write but i forgot it all

a walking disappointment

1

undeniable life lesson 1: never expect anything to go as planned

wake up one morning and realize that everything is backwards

this blog is garbage

run as hard and fast as you can until you can't think anymore

and that is me

“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”

going, going

i hate being on an antidepressant. what's the point? you can't live happily on your own so you rely on something artificial to put you in that good place. without it i'm miserable. why. i want to know what went wrong and where and when.. how. some days i feel perfect; high almost- other days frighteningly existential- other days irritable.. and other days almost as anxious as before. it helps but it's not a miracle pill. i've been trying to do other things, and incorporate other ideas into the day-to-day but the more new things i try the less i feel like myself. which leads me to question my last post; do i really know who i am? i seem to figure it out on the weekends when i'm home but when faced with stress during the week it just falls apart.. i missed a dose yesterday and i feel like i could just walk away from everything right now; stress management has deteriorated. so irritable; can't sleep, don't want to do anything. all my shit's a mess and all i want to do is lay down. i'm going to write a book. i feel like it could be decent- it's something easy to say but guaranteed i won't finish because i'll have no idea where to start, or i'll start writing and i'll hate it. i'd like to be good at something; i'd like to be able to produce something beautiful. words are my best shot i think (you may think differently from these posts, and i don't blame you) -- i really don't like writing in a stylistically sound manner on here... people would find it lame, so it'll get saved for the book. i've had the urge to throw something all day. i want to throw something or break something but there is a childhood memory/value i have saved that links breaking things to wastefulness and being a brat; so i refuse to break things. but that's what i want to do. stomping on 20 light bulbs is what i'm thinking. i don't understand why i feel this way. so many 'i's in this post, but that's what happens during a vent. these are things i mention but don't like to bring up day-to-day because they aren't great conversation starters and i hope that if i ignore them, they'll go away. they do sometimes, but they always come back. i still ask: why. why is this defining me? nobody fucking wants this and it's not fucking normal. i'm losing it

“People love chopping wood. In this activity one immediately sees results.” - Albert Einstein

;

i think i found that happy medium; that constant, neutral happiness that you can gather at will after a bad day (or week!). it's a combination between a discovery of self and a solidified sense of inner peace;

unanswerables

what is the point of having music and a television on full blast and simultaneously carrying out a conversation in a yelling decibel with somebody six feet away from you while somebody is trying to study in the same room? how does this happen every day?

i refuse to be a part of the stigma; i really hate it

In His own words

Become passers-by

the answer

i can't sleep. i had a realization though.

i will be a runner for my whole life. i've recently been on a break, lasing about six months to date. it has been about 10 months since i've run every day and trained for a distance race (nbhalf) but i am back; i want to be back. running is the ultimate cure for health i believe- it helps with your immune system, it helps your bones, it helps you become strong, it helps you become fit, it keeps your heart healthy, it keeps your skin healthy, it keeps your lungs in decent shape, it allows you to generally be stronger, it teaches willpower and goals and it brings the feeling of achievement when you improve and get faster. it's liberating for the mind, keeps your physical weight down, including cholesterol and heart health. it makes you happy. it's been proven that it helps your mental health and it is good therapy for ADD/ADHD as well as psychiatric issues and stress. it allows you to see different places and observe different people and things; it breaks up the day and it allows you to wonder at the world we live in but seldom get to explore or slow down to appreciate. i truly think that running is the answer to so many of the negative aspects of life-- and it greatly increases your chances of living a long healthy life. when i ran i felt like i was on top of the world; that i could do anything.- it's in my heart.. some of my favorite memories and some of the most fun i've ever had was on runs, with friends or solo. some of the realizations of self and of life and living on earth occurred on runs. opinions formed, thoughts take shape. so why don't we run? we think it will take up parts of the day that could be used for something more important. but really, what are we doing instead that is more important than this?

@--->

sitting on the floor of a warm rain forest
picking out my flowers with the touch of an older florist

+

-drink water
-eat fruits and vegetables
-limit unnecessary distractions
-exercise
-laugh
-breathe
-observe
and wring your brain out once a day

it's working for me

short nights

days are going to be very long this semester- literally, hopefully not figuratively

i'm going to try to be thorough some day; i hate opening up, even on here

like waking from a bad dream

i can't imagine where i'd be right now without my anchors. one in man form, the other in pill form.

i'm going to write this out now and then try to remember to get back and do this again in a couple of months.side effects, pill:
* nauseous-- nauseous at random, unexpected unpleasant surprise type stuff.
* headaches-- occasionally, more towards the beginning, less now
* tired-- it's basically a sedative. taking at night is much smarter than before dinner

stuff i'm not sure about
* mania. yesterday was a great day, had reason to be very happy all day into the night, but at one point felt like i was uncontrollably excited. wasn't strange at the time but thinking about it now, i couldn't have stopped laughing if i wanted to, it was like a rage almost- 2am felt like i could have gone out for a 5K PR after sleeping minimally the night before.. it wasn't me and it's been bugging me all day today; i've had nightmares recently about feeling out of control and that's the first time i actually felt it awake.
* panic/anxiety at night. hasn't happened recently but it's been 3x so far
* altered perspective- still will take getting used to. it's like waking up from a bad dream


good things
* happier
* better concentration- no more white noise- i may have said this before, but white noise --> black space; contemplative
* less stressed. no more going nuts over the smallest worries
* .....just better. feels more like a 3 than a 9

before/after

* panic attack/breakdown: 6-8x/week --> 1x/week
* crying: every day --> 3x since 1st full dose, 1/12/11



just a reference for the future. too tired to keep writing

fuck i wanna be a counselor

thoughstream

my entire perspective has shifted; it had already started for the worse but now i guess it's turned around and getting better.. looking in from the outside i'm a student who came home from school for a month and is about to go back. looking out from the inside, i've been 200 places, around the world and back. i don't feel like myself but i don't feel like a stranger. half the time i feel like i'm stuck in a void but it's not the dark cloud overhang that i saw before. it's a different kind of fascination. i'm making changes so i don't feel like i'm going to jump off a bridge or crash my car any more and i've already gotten somewhere. i was ready to give away all my stuff and call it quits for no good reason at all but thank god for the one staple that held everything in place . ideas just get in but they're cycling through now. i'm changing as a person and i don't know who's holding the steering wheel but i am feeling ok. better. happy. hopefully it will uphold through school; maybe i will meet friends like me- i've come to realize that there is only one who sees me as who i truly am; the same staple that held the pile together, and i love him more than ever; i just hope i can find solace in meeting other people like me; the friends i have now know me, but they don't know me. i'm afraid of letting people know how i view things, maybe because i feel like nobody would give a shit, or maybe because i feel like they wouldn't get it. one thing i've noticed from moving out to a college campus is that people don't like differences. clone mentality reigns. i'm done for now

508

i'm doing something i don't entirely agree with. in fact, i used to completely oppose it. i felt like i needed something, and more importantly, somebody who isn't me, who knows more than i do, felt like i needed it. this. brings about some strange feelings, but there are two ways i am going to look at it:

1. you never know if something works until you try it
2. i will leave these 6 months more knowledgeable and able to talk to other people about it, should they need help

problems that remain:
-is this really the answer? i sat in a room with a woman for 45 minutes and got committed to 6 months of drug therapy
-i've become a number; one of the millions who rely on some pretty little pill to get by; something made by a select group of people; master puppeteers moving nearly lifeless souls ; i don't want it to be habit-forming but i already feel better. i don't want to need it but the doctor told me herself; if you stop, your body is going to crash; brutal withdrawal symptoms

so as you can see it's more of an ethical battle within myself; they want you to enter with the mentality of 'sit back and enjoy the ride,' but i know that even if the ride is beautiful and all its lights are distracting, they just pick it up and move it from city to city all year long, take your money and let you in for a good time.

balance

you're either gonna boost the economy or destroy the earth; which is more important?