time

there's so much i could say, but instead of saying it i'm going to say this:

to think of a school year as one massive span of time is just stupid. break it up and there are months; break it more and there are weeks; keep breaking it up and there are days, and keep going and there is nothing but breakfast, lunch, and dinner on repeat. time stops for nobody- whether we want to or we don't- and we live through time- and if anybody is as lucky as me, they get to live through it with someone they love, whether it's side by side or a few miles down the street

last night

a lot of people, including myself, get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget everything around them actually exists sometimes. never been inside anybody else's head but i know that if something's up, my mind races. for example, it's so easy to just drive to the store and completely forget anything you may have seen from being so fully consumed by thought. if you're not careful, you can live your entire life like this. last week, taking the train into at 7am it was raining; looking out the window i realized that i'm on earth. i am sitting on the surface of planet earth, watching the weather do its thing, as it always has done and always will do, no matter what we do to try and prevent it or protect ourselves from it. this wasn't the first time i've had this realization but it was definitely the first time in awhile. this is where the fascination of weather started. watching the rain as a process as old as the planet instead of as a reason to pack an umbrella- the original happiness.

got me thinking today; why can't i just get what's in my head out? do i not know how, or am i afraid to?

it's not black and white it's black and blue

...

live life slowly

duality

no longer worried about counting down the days; after a rather mundane 2 i had a nonstop 3, settling back down temporarily, then moving things and eventually moving myself. i've come to terms with the changes coming, i just hope that by preserving the one significant relationship in my life, i don't find myself shutting out other relationships and neglecting other friends who also hold significant roles in my life. can't do anything but roll with it at this point; there is nothing but the eternal now

revelation

after a nice conversation with colleen i figured out how to phrase it best: some people go away to school with the idea of starting their lives over, replacing old friends and relationships with new; i go to school in boston, but my life is at home

overcast!

I'm scheduled to work in Boston from 5-7 tonight as well as Saturday from 8-4 and Sunday from 9-6.. nope NOPE somebody messed up there- saw the schedule totally by chance this morning too; would have had no reason to look at it otherwise, and a lot of people would have gotten pretty pissed off had I not caught that. Oh well, emails sent phonecalls made and it's taken care of. Rain makes gardening pretty slow this week; Is it safe to ride in this? The wind makes it suck a bit and it's going to be windy all day. I hate not knowing; but I also hate knowing. It makes sense to me

shit writing

that last post was sloppy, and i really dislike sloppy writing so i feel bad producing it. it's possible for me to corral thoughts into coherent writing; it's gotten me pretty damn good grades in writing classes over the years as well as the position of editor for the high school paper but, as i mentioned in the previous post, this week is the antithesis of writing/revising/thinking clearly and with good quality; with so many extra people in the house i'd prefer not to (a): disappear for an hour and return to a bombardment of questions and (b): sit at the kitchen table with a notebook, diffusing the bombardment of questions as they are fired, friendly fire, at me

you might have noticed my attempt to demonstrate more concise writing with this post

six years down, six to go

I'm not 20 yet. but this is a generalization. the statement "I'm feeling like a kid again" is much more than a general, one size fits all kind of quote. this summer i honestly feel like i did when i was 13, before things started going wrong. i haven't had a bad life at all, but right around 13 my mindset changed, and i can honestly say that i was on the down for about 6 years. never would have been able to say it then, never would have been able to recognize it- but there's no way to explain how good i feel now other than to relate it to being a kid. continuing on the honesty track i do think that this comparison was made one day when my mind was too far gone but weeks later i can think about it with a sober mind and still relate; it's going to be a lot harder to leave for school this year than it was last year. this is by no means a one-sided issue, but i really would rather not list pros and cons for the sake of my sanity and any poor soul who's torturing themselves by reading this page. it's a strange place i'm in, it's a mix between damned if i do and damned if i don't, and a win-win. - i may go into detail in the future, i may not. this week isn't exactly conducive to being alone and thinking like the rest of the summer has been. but now that i made that comparison it's only healthy to explain

damned if i do, damned if i don't:

• i have a wonderful boyfriend at home who i am so happy with
• i am moving to boston, and he is not
  
• it will be almost impossible to see him for the first few months of school
• i have wonderful friends at home who will be living at home
• i'm standing on the shore watching a wave of stress close in
• d.town is a beautiful place, i feel like a kid here- but i am leaving
• my school doesn't attract the nicest or most welcoming people (508 reigns supreme in this matter; there's a severe lack of real at BU)
  

win-win:

• excellent academic program at school
• great friends in the city
• great job in the city
• exercise adulthood, find self in solitude
• see home as a reward
• step out of comfort zone, learn more about life / the world

you're free to make up your own mind on how i stand here

so that's what i've got. more later

so hold the bottle and play spin the globe

Slug is my favorite artist of all time. recently found Felt, his collaboration with Murs- (Felt 1, Felt 2, Felt 3, Felt 4 is in progress)-very good music.

Finished my room; almost finished packing. Jeremy left for school, Kevin leaves in the morning... just sitting around now, sort of counting the days, but trying not to. i'd like to see Nick more, but give/take, and such is life. House guests from now until the 30th when I leave, it's definitely good to see Nancy and Paul- i prefer them in the Northeast.

Being is the way to live. I'm calmer- just hope that I can maintain once in Boston. The flakes in this snowglobe are finally settling and the last thing i want is for someone to pick it up and shake.

Felt has got me thinking, I want to be clever like them.. maybe you'll see some words coming forth soon.. sitting listening to Cool102 with my family isn't the best catalyst for it right now but i can see words coming on in the future

I hate writing using lots of "I"s, but i find i've been doing it a lot (I, I, I) .... a wise english teacher (honestly can't remember who) once taught that it was self-centered to use lots of I's, and therefore depletes the writing of substance. I agree with it but here I am unable to stop using those I's.. that's been bothering me since I've begun writing this... seriously count the I's in this paragraph alone it's disgusting; justification: it's a journal, so please bear with.

dye

i kind of want to dye my hair again but i know it won't be nearly as cool as when i did it the first time in december of 2006- if it looks shitty i can just dye over so that my hair is brown again.. we'll see.

still

for the first half of the summer, i slept on the 2-seat couch in my room. it was great until i realized that i missed being able to stretch out, so i switched back to my bed. the question remains though, as to why i still can't sleep without waking up stressed out. i had reasons for it once, but those are gone and now it's just frustrating. the quick fix for this is to rearrange furniture but that takes a good amount of manpower, planning, and time that i don't have; relatives are coming to stay with us on friday and i'll be giving up my room for a few days. damn

rain

when i first decided that i was in love with running, it was always raining a lot. it seemed like it rained every day that year but rain or shine, we were all outside running in it. therefore, as you can guess, running in the rain is still one of my favorites. it's been dry this summer, very very dry, and we have only seen significant rain 1-2x / month, and today is one of those days :)

i'll be running to work now, have a gray day

windows open

77 degrees and 39% humidity

i couldn't ask for a more comfortable day. leaving to go running now, i've been trying to get back on that train since i've somewhat fallen off this summer (something i'm not even ashamed of, stress-fractured foot followed by 80-90% humidity and 80-90 degree temperatures aren't exactly ideal for enjoyable running). new day though; room is looking much better- i've been getting rid of and consolidating much of what i own, and i like how things are looking. the ultimate goal is to be able to vacuum. this sounds disgusting but there are four more cardboard boxes full of junk that i want to go through and get rid of before the floor is entirely clear (besides furniture) and ready to vacuum. day by day by day. have my little list of things to do today, no work on that list- today's my day off :). usually bike to work, 10mi round trip, so today should probably be a rest day on the bicycle but unless something huge comes up, i probably won't be able to stay off the saddle. i usually wouldn't start my run around 11am but i couldn't ask for better weather right now

starting over

I never saw myself as someone who would write a blog, regularly, but I would prefer to consider it a type of personal journal, a release, and if anybody would like to take a look, then you are welcome to. If not, then carry on with life. I'm going to give this a shot.

FFWD from my last post: I have been having one of the most enjoyable summers of my life. It's up there with those summers as a kid where the day is spent sunup to sundown playing outside.

I am happy.

Stress has been under control; historically it's been a problem but I've been trying to adjust so that I won't need to adjust anymore. My real motivation to start this back up is because I've gotten into reading Zen Habits (www.zenhabits.net), and I've been inspired to start eating better, exercising better, and generally living better, peacefully and happily. In a little less than three weeks I will be moving back to school in Boston, where I know my peace of mind will be challenged; it's going to be a stressful year, with four semesters of prerequisites crammed into two semesters and a summer session. Basically, the GPA needs to climb one full point (2.5-->3.5) and that means nothing but A's and a few B's in order for me to become accepted into the physical therapy program; it's going to be rough but I know it can be done. I am very fortunate to have a great group of bright and motivating people that I will be surrounded by at school, and a loving support system at home. and I repeat; i am very fortunate.

But enough about school, I'm hungry and dinner is ready; cheese pizza.

(this may sound like such a contradiction from the beginning of my post where i said i would be trying to eat healthier.. please understand that i am a sucker for good food; and by good i mean delicious. it's a lot easier for me to go running and biking 2x/daily than to cut pizza and chocolate out of my diet)

Happy Trails